Honesty

There is a reason our parents told us it “is the best policy.”  Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free saith Saint John.  Most Honor Codes (if they even exist anymore) say something like “I will not lie, cheat, or steal nor tolerate those who do.” And of course the little ones will chime in with a hearty “liar liar pants on fire.”  The obvious theme is truthfulness. It’s important stuff.  It’s fundamental to our good order and discipline and necessary for citizens to function in a civil society.  If it’s that important why do most of us break the rule daily, if not hourly?  Truth be told, (no pun intended) we generally hate the truth, at least I do.  In a lot of circumstances it really smarts.

I was catching up with an old friend a few months ago, we had served in Somalia, and during our chat he made one of the most interesting and impactful comments I’ve heard lately. I’ll paraphrase but the punchline was “I enjoyed my time in the Regiment, loved the guys, loved the adventures and all that, but I was an average ranger at best.  I wasn’t setting the ranger world on fire by any stretch of the imagination.”  This wasn’t self deprecating politeness, this was a guy telling the truth, openly, and without any pretense.  I always thought he was a a solid guy and he certainly never gave me any reason to doubt his abilities or commitment (he got out and has been tremendously successful in business for three decades).  I don’t know if he was great, good, average, or even ok but his self-assessment of a solid C, anything above 70 is wasted effort, was refreshing to hear.

It got me thinking about honesty and how I judge myself.  Could I do this without a dramatic pendulum swing to the extreme which we are all so prone to do?   Also, I can’t help but compare myself to others in the success-versus-failure department which, before we pass “Go,” makes this little chore all the more difficult.

I looked back at the last twenty years or so and I had to reassess my feelings about how well or poorly I’ve done.   I don’t think my initial assessment was viewed through honest eyes.  Much like my Army life and the supposed meritocracy, I was gauging “success” compared to others and if I wasn’t north of the standard, I failed.  People said I was a good guy, or a nice guy at least, and I worked hard; that Army work ethic right?  But what if I wasn’t really delivering as advertised?  Maybe I mailed it in once or twice.  Or, what if I took my foot off the gas a little, then what?  No way, not me.

 The first time I lost a job (the first of a couple actually) and immediately defaulted to the unfairness of the predicament and the lousy leadership and certainly my unappreciated efforts.  How dare they, the nerve.  Over time I did realize, as much as it pained me to admit, that I didn’t really even like the job and if we are being you know what, I wasn’t really that good at it anyway.  In fact, I came to the conclusion years later that I should never have even taken the position in the first place.  I really didn’t have the aptitude for it, so of course it was going to crater.  My bad, not theirs.

I know it’s a silly example but in the DNA here is honesty, we just hate to hear it and especially hate to fix it.  I never asked myself any of these questions (objectively I hope) like ‘am I really a good leader?” Or “how does this affect my family?”  “Am I improving myself mentally, physically, and spiritually each day?”  “Am I as attentive to my family as I am to myself?”  Or this pesky gem “why am I doing this, for me or someone else?”  Years ago I gave a class to some Secret Service agents and explained a matrix of positions to frequency of contact.  The positions were not at all professional but personal; spouse, brother, son, friend etc.  The frequency covered hours to years.  There were a lot of blank stares at the end and one agent told me later, “you got me with that one, I’ve been fooling myself.”

I hope you take this in the most positive spirit of understanding, acknowledging and accepting the truth about ourselves, not about anyone else.  This isn’t a doom and gloom missive, I want it to be a positive exercise that promotes our best health, or best fitness, our best arete.

None of us has this thing beat, not by a long shot.  If I could, I would look you in the eye and say that you are allowed to acknowledge the things you do well, of which you have plenty.  You’re allowed to champion the great successful skills, traits, and characteristics you possess. Run with them all, it’s exciting,  but don’t forget to peek at the other side of the coin, the needs improvements.  What are you doing about those? Be honest.

I don’t know if this is true, speaking of internet honesty which we will save for later, but I read that the great actor Gary Oldman once said “What other people think of me is none of my business.”  Bravo Mr. Oldman, you’re absolutely right.  Be your own honest broker because whatever you see in yourself, truthfully, is all that matters.

MPE